It's been a while since I've written here. I guess I've been moving along the road of life working, attending church events, making my way. There is still no special person in my life, and as time goes by, I vacillate between patience and impatience. Some days I figure that God just doesn't have anyone in store for me, that my new vocation will be as a single person. Other days I tell myself to just be patient. Ah, to struggle with one of my worst traits: impatience!!
Then there are days like yesterday. It was the first home game of my Georgia Bulldogs. I did not have a ticket, so opted not to go because it would be difficult to find one I could afford on the street. We were playing another SEC team, so everyone wanted to be there. Besides, it was the first home game.
Before I left to start my day with some geocaching, I texted with one of my best friends. She was a "single" mom this week-end since her hubby was out of town at his brother's bachelor party in Vegas. I was checking in to see what was planned for the day, and invited her to come watch the Georgia game with me even though her team is the Florida Gators. She said she would let me know since her son's football game would probably keep her out until at least an hour before the 4:30 PM kickoff of the GA game. It sounded like she had a busy day, so I texted back that I would make some sauce for her to make dinner for her family. She never acknowledged the offer, but I wasn't worried about it. I figured we'd talk later.
I started the day with some geocaching, one of my favorite things to do. The weather was perfect, and my caching buddy, Bob (aka RobertoCache), and I were on the hunt for some caches built by one of our favorites. It was a long two hours, lots of thorns and walking, and we still didn't find them all. It didn't matter. We'll just come back another day!
Took a shower to wash off any creepy crawly things that might have come home with me, and then headed out for a much needed pedicure. Gotta have pretty toes for church! On the way, I called one of my best friends to congratulate her on a 2nd place finish in a race she had run that morning. She was excited about her son's football game and couldn't wait to surprise me with the news that she and her family would be attending the UGA football game. I was stunned and instantly envious, of course! But what made it painful was when she said that she found out on Thursday but was "afraid to tell me." That just instantly hurt my feelings. Really? Am I THAT rabid or selfish? Well, I may be a rabid fan, but I am not a selfish person. At least, not very often, anyway. I know she thought I was just being envious when I hung up quickly, but really, I was nursing my hurt feelings.
After I got home, I started to make the sauce I had promised my Gator friend and to make some yummy football food to consume during the game whether it was for just me or both of us. I love cooking! I had the tv on and was watching something I had DVRed. As I was working, I got a text from my friend who lamented the loss by her Gators, the fact that her son had won his football game, and that they were staying to watch one of her son's friends play. Not a word about watching the game with me or a word about my offer. I was more hurt by the lack of mention than by the fact that she did not want to come watch the game with me nor did she want the food I had made. That was the second hit to the heart of the day.
I finished fixing all my food just before the game started, and sat down with a beer and something cheesy and hot to eat with my tortilla chips. The Dawgs were getting ready to play some football! I had a friend that I was facebook chatting with during the game, so I didn't feel alone. And the Dawgs won, which is always fabulous and fun.
However, as I sat there watching the game alone on my couch I thought about all my friends who were at the game, and then about my friends in general. They are all married, and they still don't understand how difficult it is to be the single one, especially when they plan activities that they like to do as couples or families. I'm not thinking that my friends should leave their husbands or families behind every time they go out to do something. As a matter of fact, I went to see Bruno Mars with both these ladies and another friend recently, just the 4 of us. We had a blast!
I am continuing to notice, however, that people who are married tend to do things with other couples who are married and don't always think about someone like me who might want to join the fun, even without a spouse. That continues to make me feel sad and lonely, but even more, it makes me feel unimportant.
Of course, all these friends are Catholic, so I am going to see them at church today. I hope I can handle my hurt with grace. I plan to tell both of them that they hurt my feelings - not to make them feel badly, but because I need to open up more and tell people how I feel so that I don't build up resentment. All I need is honesty, folks. Don't wait two days to tell me exciting news or ignore my offers, please. Just be up front and honest. That is so much easier to swallow, even if the disappointment may be as real.
Okay, I'm pretty sure that this entry sounds whiny and ridiculous, but I am also sure that I want to put all these thoughts into the universe and let them go. I only want to find peace in my own skin.
Thank you, Lord, for holding me steadfast in your arms when I feel lonely and alone and misunderstood. I know that you are always there for me, no matter what. I pray that you will send me someone with whom I can do fun things whether it's just the two of us or with other people. I ask for you to please help me with my level of patience, a daily struggle on my part. Thank you, Lord, for always loving me, no matter what.
