I wonder what they're thinking . . .

I am in Florida this week-end visiting my parents. Sadly, I am the only person in the house who is still a practicing Catholic. However, I am blessed to be able to attend a lovely church here that I first visited on Easter morning for the sunrise service.

The first thing I noticed about the church here was the age of the people. They were almost all older than me (not something I typically say since I attend the Life TEEN mass at my church!), many of them sitting in couples or with family.  As usual, I attend mass by myself as my grown daughter lives 30+ miles away from me. However, when I go to my home church, I am usually singing in the Life Teen band, so I am not alone. If I am not singing, I can always find a friend with whom to sit.

The layout of this church is lovely and difficult to describe. Had it been a full mass, there would have been parishioners on both the front and the back of the altar. I will try to take a photo when I go this morning. I definitely felt the presence of the Lord, and appreciated the mass that is the same no matter where I go or what language is spoken. There's a comfort in the tradition and knowledge that Catholics everywhere are worshiping in the same manner. It really is a form of being at home with "family," even if I don't know anyone by name. I would still love to have a family member or friend with me, however, especially in a place with which I am not terribly familiar. 

As I sat down on that dark Easter morning, I looked around at the beauty that surrounded me. I'm sure I wasn't the only visitor that morning, but I wondered whose "usual" spot I might be sitting in (if you attend church, I'll bet you sit in the same basic spot every week, right?) and if people were curious about who I am and why I was alone. I realize that not everyone wears a wedding ring, but if they looked at my hand, they would assume I was not married. Being in the land of snow birds, however, they might have thought that I am a widow as I am sure that is common here. Regardless, I felt alone and exposed albeit only in my own mind.

As the mass began, I fell into the rhythm of its routine, and forgot about feeling exposed until the sign of peace. As I said earlier, I am always with friends, so I get to hug the sign of peace. In this new place, I got to do the traditional handshake. While the sentiment is not any different, the method of delivery is less comforting, especially to someone who does not receive a hug every day from a loved one (unless you count the cuddles and kisses from my 6 lb chihuahua!). 

I am headed back there in just a few minutes, and wonder how I will feel today. I still wonder what the members of the parish are thinking, and since it's summer, know that I will stand out more as there are fewer visitors in the area. 

In the end, it doesn't matter what anyone else is thinking. I truly go to spend time with my Lord, and am thankful that the opportunity exists. I'll let you know how it goes when I get back. 

Later . . . 

I took a photo of the altar in this church. Today, they had a divider between the two halves of the circular church. However, the carvings above and around the altar are beautiful! I looked at them throughout mass, especially during the readings. In addition to being lovely to look at, they emanate Jesus' presence and the events that made His arrival a combination of extraordinary and humble. 

I was a little annoyed at the beginning of mass because the ladies behind me were "whispering" to each other. Actually, a lot of people around me had difficulty whispering, probably because a lot of them had hearing issues. I just took a deep breath and was thankful that they were all at mass knowing that so many of them  were not with their children, and I was blessed to be spending this week-end with my Dad, Mom, sissy and her kids. 

When I turned around later to do the sign of peace, I was delighted to see two tiny Asian women behind me. They were as cute as they sounded during the mass as they prayed ahead or behind the rest of us in their accented voices. I went from annoyance before mass to a grin during mass while listening to them. I am sad to note that I am not always patient - anyone who knows me will tell you it's my worst fault!!

As I sat in church today, I really concentrated on the carving and not those around me. I noticed lots of little old couples in which the husbands stood during the blessing of the dads. It was so heartwarming to see all these men, some of whom could be my own dad, stand proudly to receive the blessing, and to hear the sincere clapping that followed. I know that they're probably not the always the best dads in the world, but the fact that they were attending mass today put them all right up there in my book. 

My own dad is the one who promised to raise my siblings and me as Catholic. He faithfully took us to mass every week until I was old enough to drive. After that, it was my job to get everyone there. It made me sad then and still makes me sad now to think that he only went for us even if I am grateful for his efforts on our behalf. I wish his faith walk was a more apparent one, although I know he has a relationship with our Lord and Savior. But I will always recognize his commitment to MY faith walk and appreciate him for it.

I did not feel judged today. Maybe because I went with the intention to not allow my personal perception to cloud reality or maybe because it doesn't really matter or maybe because I wrote about it before mass and had gotten all my negative feelings out of the way. Regardless, I was happy to leave there feeling refreshed and renewed and thrilled to have begun my day with the Father to us all. 

I still wonder what people think sometimes, but I'm working on not worrying about it and not caring because it really doesn't matter. Perception is personal. I have to accept that and just be who I am regardless of anyone else's perception.

I pray:

Thank you, Lord, for being our Father from beginning to end. Thank you for my wonderful Dad and all the dads, pseudo-dads, brothers, uncles, etc. out there who provide a person to show the way in this world. Thank you for allowing me to spend time with You today and to feel more at peace in Your house among people of my faith. Please continue to help me in my journey as a Catholic divorcee and to help me enjoy the ride. I love you, Lord. 

Please pull the knife out of my heart . . .

Today I read the writings of my Catholic friend, Deacon Nicholas. It was like receiving a knife in the heart. He says (Note: This is only part of what he wrote; however, it is not out of context in any way that would make it mean something different. He says more - keep reading): 

"Yes, the law will permit a divorce, but the law of love compels us to keep our covenant, and covenants are only ended with the death of one of the parties. This is a tricky subject. Half the people we know and love have been directly affected by a divorce. We must all love each other through the pain of divorce. But we must do a better job supporting marriages and families. And we must teach our children that God’s desire is for us to honor our covenants."

Every time I read something like this, it's as if I am being slowly and painfully judged/condemned by my faith. I don't know how to make anyone who has not been divorced or is not Catholic to understand that I was married for THIRTY years before I sought a divorce. I had tried to remain loyal to my covenant of marriage. I tried to repair it. I tried to ignore it. I tried everything I could think of to not become a Catholic divorcee. It was against everything I had been taught as a Catholic, by the example of my own parents and my aunts and uncles. I wanted to be true to my vows and to be married until "death do we part." But it's not something you can do alone. You need the other person to meet you half way. My ex-husband was UNABLE to do that. I don't think he was necessarily unwilling - I just don't think that the examples he had growing up and the emotional scars he bears would allow him to share his vulnerability enough to ask for help, to look for help, to even realize he needed help, until it was too late. He is a cradle Catholic whose parents divorced when he was 16 years old. He became the breadwinner of his family, taking care of his mom and his 5 younger brothers and sisters. He was scarred. I didn't see those scars or chose not to see them. Regardless, I loved him for who he was and married him fully intending to spend the rest of my life as his wife. In the end, I just could not make that work. So, when I read statements like "the love compels us to keep our covenant, and covenants are only ended with the death of one of the parties," it makes me hurt all over again. 

Making the decision to get a divorce was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It was not a quick decision, and it will always haunt me as a Catholic, even if it was the best decision for me. However, I hate to feel judged by my faith. I need to give it up to God, but as soon as I read things like this, I take it personally, and feel as if someone has stuck a knife in my heart. 

The part where Deacon Nicholas says:  "And we must teach our children that God’s desire is for us to honor our covenants," really resonates with me. One of the reasons I stayed in my marriage was my daughter. I wanted her to have an intact family life. I'll never know if that was a good decision or a bad one. However, my daughter is the reason that I pulled the trigger on asking for a divorce. Let me explain.

I had come to the decision that it was time for a divorce after much therapy and work. But I was afraid. Afraid to tell my husband. Afraid of what my family and friends would say. Afraid of what my church would say. Afraid of what my daughter would say.

At that time, my daughter was about 2 years into a monogamous relationship with her boyfriend; however, he did not treat her very well. He was often rude to her, emotionally unavailable, and appeared to be much like her dad in his relationship with me. After one honest conversation about her relationship and what was upsetting her, I told her to do what was best for her, to not end up like me. That's when I realized that I was setting a bad example for my daughter by remaining in a relationship that was not reciprocal, healthy, etc. I asked for my divorce as soon as possible after that. When I told my daughter my decision, I told her that I hoped she understood that I had tried to work things out, tried to be a good Catholic, tried to remain true to my vows. But it just wasn't to be. I'm still not sure if she truly understood what I was saying, but she broke up with her boyfriend not long after I asked for the divorce. I like to think that my example helped her make a healthy decision in her own relationship. Maybe one day I'll have the nerve to ask her. 

Deacon Nicholas goes on to say that we should: 

"Pray today that we the church in America will begin to reverse the worldwide trend of temporary marriages. Pray that you can personally make a difference in someone else’s marriage preparation or restoration. Give thanks for good marriages, ask blessings on struggling marriages, and true healing for those whose marriages failed."

So, he is not saying that those of us Catholics who are divorced are bad Catholics or bad people, but notice that he says "marriages failed" (which to me implies divorce). Again, a negative connotation. Again, I take it personally as a divorced Catholic.

However, when I went back to reread Deacon Nicholas' post, I noticed he had added a comment. And this part made me feel better because I think it's the point of view that we should ALL take, regardless of our religion or marital status: 

"Follow up - For context of the culture of Jesus' day and time, a man could write a "bill of divorce" accusing his wife of adultery or for many other reasons. He had to do very little to prove any wrong, and she had very little means of defending herself or her marriage. Jesus asks us to be more than legalists taking advantage of law. We face the same issues today. Some people spend more preparation time writing their pre-nup than they do actually preparing to be and stay married. I hope we can all agree to condemn the modern condition of easy divorce and pre-nups. But we can not, we must not condemn those individual who have been hurt by divorce. We must forgive those who need forgiveness, we must comfort those who have been hurt unwillingly, and we must always love one another. Peace be with you all."

I have always agreed that marriage is not disposable. Too many people walk into it thinking that, if they don't like it, they can just walk away. It's that easy to some. Not to me. I appreciate that marriage is a sacred covenant, but also appreciate the fact that in spite of someone's every effort, that covenant may be broken after much time, effort, and consideration. 

I hope that someday I'll be able to give up taking everything about marriage and annulments in the Catholic church personally. Somehow, though, I don't think that will ever happen. Because I do feel as if I failed as a Catholic by getting divorced. But I don't feel as if I've failed MYSELF and who God wants me to be. That makes my point of view (and maybe me?) an oxymoron! 

When I told my parents I was getting divorced, my mother told me that she thought I would never get divorced because I was so "religious." I told her then, and totally believe now, that I think God WANTS me to be happy. If being married to someone who is emotionally unavailable, non-supportive in a monetary or emotional way, and someone who is unwilling to share their life with you is something you can live with, then more power to you. Because God will always love both of us, no matter what, even if I am a divorced Catholic woman who thinks my religion judges me.

I pray:

Lord, please let those committing to marriage make that decision with clarity and commitment. Please help our society recognize that marriage is not DISPOSABLE. I pray that you can work in my heart to help me heal the hurt I feel every time I take what someone else says or writes personally, and give me the knowledge and foresight to let You be my judge, to let you help me heal, and to let me be at peace. I love you, Lord. 

Just because I'm divorced doesn't mean I'm a push over!

As stated earlier, I work with a nonprofit group that was started with a bake sale and the enthusiasm of our church youth group. That was in 1999, and the nonprofit has grown to be an amazing 501c3 that serves the least of our brothers and sisters in a very poor 3rd world country. I currently serve as the president of the Board of Directors. The end of my 2 year term is imminent.

As a teacher, I have felt less than qualified to lead a board of business people to provide oversight for this wonderful organization. However, I have been a volunteer from almost the beginning, have traveled to where we serve almost 30 times in the last 13 years, and know the organization better than most. While I am not a business person, I am passionate about what we do, and want it to be done well in order to preserve the integrity of the organization. I think that I have done a good job, and have been told by many that I have been the "best President" ever. I doubt that, but I had no indication that I would not be returning to that position for the next 2 years. 

Unfortunately, my level of commitment does not appear to be that of everyone on the Board. Meetings have been difficult to schedule and often have poor attendance. I continue on, regardless, and try to provide enough dates, times, and advance notice to make it work for everyone. 

Elections were to be held last month, but the person in charge of nominations was out of town. I had asked him to please send what we needed to proceed, but he did not, stating that we would have a conversation about it at a later date. When I pushed for nominations last week, I discovered through email that the director wanted me to step down at the end of my term (a.k.a. now). I was shocked, hurt, and just plain confused. What the heck?

Regardless, I have come to terms with stepping down from the position of President after the current elections are completed (albeit a month late). However, I did not feel as if the nominations were being handled in the best way to provide current Board members the opportunity to step up if they are interested. The push back from the VP (he's in charge of nominations) has been patronizing and just plain infuriating. He states that he did not seek the presidency, but will step up if it's best for the organization. Okay, that's good. But why is he insisting on having a relative newbie serve as his VP? Too much of the same personality is not a good thing on a Board. Oh, yeah, it makes communication easier, but it's not necessarily better overall. 

What I don't understand is why this gentleman who I respect tremendously is pushing so hard to have his way when he 1) didn't seek the position, and 2) wants to do what's best for the organization. He does not appear to be listening to my concerns, just pushing for what he WANTS. Does he think because I'm a divorcee that I am just going to roll over and do what he wants? Does he really lack respect for me? Maybe so. That would explain why he has been less than engaged, does not attend meetings, and often ignores my emails or phone calls. 

I just wrote him an email outlining how I would like these elections to go. It is my last act as the sitting President. I want a process that is transparent and respectful of everyone on the Board.  I hope that I was respectful but assertive in my tone, and he will do as I ask. But I am always going to wonder if that fact that I am a divorce (single woman) has made me less commanding or less worthy of respect in my position as President.

However, I am going to leave the position proud of what I have accomplished in spite everything. I am woman, hear me roar! LOL

I pray:

Lord, please watch over this amazing nonprofit organization with which I have had the privilege of sharing my time, treasure, and talents. Please allow those of us who serve on the Board to truly do YOUR will, to listen to your guidance, and to remember why we chose to serve in the first place. Thank you for the opportunity to serve as President, and to help the least of our brothers and sisters. Please allow us to continue along the same path to help even more people. Thank you, Lord. I love you. 

Hello? Anyone out there?!?

As a divorced person with no kids at home, it's often way too quiet around the house. I'm always looking for something to do and someone to hang out with. And I don't mean a date, necessarily. I am pretty sure that God will not be sending me anyone until the annulment goes through. I know. Crazy talk, right? Maybe. Regardless, I have a profile on Plenty of Fish, but no one contacts me and those I contact don't typically respond. Besides, I'm talking about every day life here. 

My friends seem to forget about me when it's time to make plans. They make plans with other married couples. Makes sense, I guess, but sometimes the things they do could include a fifth wheel like me. I'm fun! Why don't you all ever ask me to go to the movies or out to dinner or to the local ice cream joint? It's frustrating, really. And it feels as if I am discriminated (for lack of a better word) against for not having a spouse. Really? 

You could argue that I need to just have girl time. Okay, that would be great, but most of my friends have kids at home of varying ages, so it's difficult for them to find time. When they do have time, they want to spend it with their spouses which makes total sense. So, I guess I should just find other single women to hang out with. That's easier than it sounds, believe me! 

Yesterday at mass, the deacon who did the homily asked everyone when the last time was that they served the downtrodden and lonely like prisoners and the elderly. I sat there thinking that I am often downtrodden and lonely - maybe not in the same way as prisoners and people older than me, but I could certainly use someone's time and attention in the form of a phone call or dinner or a walk. I think that sometimes we look at acts of service as some grand gesture like visiting a prison when a simple phone call to friend who lives alone would be just as needed and appreciated. I try to do that for others in a similar position. Sometimes it's a phone call or something fun to post on their facebook wall. Or if I see a little something I think they might like when I am at WalMart, I pick it up and give it to them the next time I see them. 

One of the advantages of being alone is that no one knows or cares what I am doing which means I can run around the house in my underwear if I want to! One of the disadvantages of being alone is that no one knows or cares what I am doing which is just plain lonely.

So, if you know someone like me, pick up the phone and give them a shout, please. Let them know that they are not as alone as they may feel. Invite them to the movies with your family or to go out and run errands with you. It doesn't take much.

In the meantime, I pray:

Lord, thank you for always being with me. I know You hold my hand as I go through the day. Please help me embrace my alone time and not feel lonely for lack of earthly companionship. Please give me the strength to ask for others' time and not feel rejected when they are too busy. Please give me the fortitude to not give up on finding friends to spend time with. Please allow me to be as peaceful as possible while waiting to find that special someone who will want to spend time with me and who will fill the roaring silence in my head and heart and home. I love you, Lord. Thank you for my blessings great and small, for truly I am blessed. 

"You just don't know how hard it is to be married for so long . . . "

Let me introduce myself. I am a 56 year old Catholic woman who has been divorced for almost 3 years. I have found the combination of being Catholic and divorced has a lot of stigma attached to it. I'm tired of being quiet about how I feel, so I'm going to put it out into the universe.

I am a cradle Catholic (born into the faith). I regularly attend church and participate as a singer in the band as well as serve as a lector. I volunteer my time with the youth group and with a nonprofit that started at our church.

Enough about me. Let's get into what's making me crazy tonight.

I attended mass, as usual, and served as the cantor for the Psalm. For those of you who are not Catholic,  the psalm is sung between the two readings during mass that occur before the gospel. It's one of my favorite Psalms to sing (I Will Praise You, Lord), and I managed to pull it off pretty well, if I must say so myself. Singing the Psalm is nerve wracking every time, so any time I do it well, I'm pleased.

Now, you have to know that I have a lot of friends at my church and most of them are married. That's not a shock, of course. I AM Catholic, after all. But so many of them seem to forget that I ever was married, whether they knew my ex-husband or not.

I was married 30+ years when my civil divorce was granted. Yep. 30 years. That's more than half my life. Yet, tonight at church, someone talked to me about their marriage of 29 years as if I had no clue whatsoever what it meant to be married for that long or how difficult it can be. Really?

A lot of my frustration comes from the Catholic stand on divorce. There are all kinds of explanations about divorce and how it works in my church, but the bottom line is, once you're married as a Catholic, you are married forever unless you are granted an annulment. The annulment process does not nullify the civil marriage, so my daughter will never be considered a bastard or anything, but it is expensive and not easy to get. A lot of people ask me why I even want/need an annulment. I love my God. I love my church. I am doing what is necessary to make my marriage null and void in the Catholic church in order to go on and have another relationship (should I be lucky enough to find one) that will not be condemned by the fact that the Catholic church still considers me married without the annulment. I also want to continue to receive the sacraments in my church (including communion) that would not be allowed without a divorce. And I work with the youth group. I don't want the church to consider me to be an adulteress if I date someone else without first getting my marriage annulled, and not allow me the opportunity to work with the teens. And, if I am blessed enough to want to marry again, I want to be married in my faith. Without the annulment, that would not be possible. So, there you go. A lot of reasons why I am willing to respect this part of my Catholicism even if it makes me crazy!

Okay, so right now you're probably asking yourself why I don't just leave the Catholic faith if I am that upset. Well, I was born a Catholic and love my faith in spite of this one aspect of its doctrine. I feel completely judged by my faith - but not by my church family. And they are my family. I don't want to give up any of that. So, I am doing my best to get through the annulment process (still waiting to hear from the Tribunal - going on 8 months now) so I can move on from there.

Tonight's incident, however, still sticks in my craw. After mass, a friend was talking about being married for 29 years and how that's not always easy - "You just don't know." That, in and of itself wasn't a problem. And perhaps I totally read into what and how it was said. That's ALWAYS possible! However, it felt as if she was being somewhat patronizing about the fact that she had been married for so long and I am a divorced person who might not get it. I told her that I got it - I was married for over 30 years when I got divorced. That seemed to give her pause, but I still felt as if she was being holier than thou. Of course, I know that my perception is just that. Perception. I could have totally misread the intention and tone of what she said in frustration with how I feel judged by my faith.

I know that I always thought I got it when my friends talked about being divorced. Of course, most of them were not Catholic. However, I realize now that I never really got it. You can't unless you're going through it. I could empathize, but not truly sympathize. So, I forgive this woman for what she said, and recognize that this is my issue, not hers. It doesn't make it any easier to feel judged, though.

Okay - I have lots more to say, but I will leave that to later entries. In the meantime, I pray:

Lord, please forgive me for being judgmental of others who may not understand what I have and am going through as a divorced Catholic woman. Please grant me the strength I need to get through the annulment process with grace and the ability to let the perceptions of others be unimportant to me. Please hold me steadfast in your arms every time I falter and think I can't take another step because I am lonely and alone and feel judged by my religion and my friends. Please help me remember that I am loved by my family and true friends because I am a good person, regardless of my marital status. I love you, Lord. Thank you for all my blessings, great and small, the greatest of which is my relationship with You. Amen.