"Yes, the law will permit a divorce, but the law of love compels us to keep our covenant, and covenants are only ended with the death of one of the parties. This is a tricky subject. Half the people we know and love have been directly affected by a divorce. We must all love each other through the pain of divorce. But we must do a better job supporting marriages and families. And we must teach our children that God’s desire is for us to honor our covenants."
Every time I read something like this, it's as if I am being slowly and painfully judged/condemned by my faith. I don't know how to make anyone who has not been divorced or is not Catholic to understand that I was married for THIRTY years before I sought a divorce. I had tried to remain loyal to my covenant of marriage. I tried to repair it. I tried to ignore it. I tried everything I could think of to not become a Catholic divorcee. It was against everything I had been taught as a Catholic, by the example of my own parents and my aunts and uncles. I wanted to be true to my vows and to be married until "death do we part." But it's not something you can do alone. You need the other person to meet you half way. My ex-husband was UNABLE to do that. I don't think he was necessarily unwilling - I just don't think that the examples he had growing up and the emotional scars he bears would allow him to share his vulnerability enough to ask for help, to look for help, to even realize he needed help, until it was too late. He is a cradle Catholic whose parents divorced when he was 16 years old. He became the breadwinner of his family, taking care of his mom and his 5 younger brothers and sisters. He was scarred. I didn't see those scars or chose not to see them. Regardless, I loved him for who he was and married him fully intending to spend the rest of my life as his wife. In the end, I just could not make that work. So, when I read statements like "the love compels us to keep our covenant, and covenants are only ended with the death of one of the parties," it makes me hurt all over again.
Making the decision to get a divorce was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It was not a quick decision, and it will always haunt me as a Catholic, even if it was the best decision for me. However, I hate to feel judged by my faith. I need to give it up to God, but as soon as I read things like this, I take it personally, and feel as if someone has stuck a knife in my heart.
The part where Deacon Nicholas says: "And we must teach our children that God’s desire is for us to honor our covenants," really resonates with me. One of the reasons I stayed in my marriage was my daughter. I wanted her to have an intact family life. I'll never know if that was a good decision or a bad one. However, my daughter is the reason that I pulled the trigger on asking for a divorce. Let me explain.
I had come to the decision that it was time for a divorce after much therapy and work. But I was afraid. Afraid to tell my husband. Afraid of what my family and friends would say. Afraid of what my church would say. Afraid of what my daughter would say.
At that time, my daughter was about 2 years into a monogamous relationship with her boyfriend; however, he did not treat her very well. He was often rude to her, emotionally unavailable, and appeared to be much like her dad in his relationship with me. After one honest conversation about her relationship and what was upsetting her, I told her to do what was best for her, to not end up like me. That's when I realized that I was setting a bad example for my daughter by remaining in a relationship that was not reciprocal, healthy, etc. I asked for my divorce as soon as possible after that. When I told my daughter my decision, I told her that I hoped she understood that I had tried to work things out, tried to be a good Catholic, tried to remain true to my vows. But it just wasn't to be. I'm still not sure if she truly understood what I was saying, but she broke up with her boyfriend not long after I asked for the divorce. I like to think that my example helped her make a healthy decision in her own relationship. Maybe one day I'll have the nerve to ask her.
Deacon Nicholas goes on to say that we should:
"Pray today that we the church in America will begin to reverse the worldwide trend of temporary marriages. Pray that you can personally make a difference in someone else’s marriage preparation or restoration. Give thanks for good marriages, ask blessings on struggling marriages, and true healing for those whose marriages failed."
So, he is not saying that those of us Catholics who are divorced are bad Catholics or bad people, but notice that he says "marriages failed" (which to me implies divorce). Again, a negative connotation. Again, I take it personally as a divorced Catholic.
However, when I went back to reread Deacon Nicholas' post, I noticed he had added a comment. And this part made me feel better because I think it's the point of view that we should ALL take, regardless of our religion or marital status:
"Follow up - For context of the culture of Jesus' day and time, a man could write a "bill of divorce" accusing his wife of adultery or for many other reasons. He had to do very little to prove any wrong, and she had very little means of defending herself or her marriage. Jesus asks us to be more than legalists taking advantage of law. We face the same issues today. Some people spend more preparation time writing their pre-nup than they do actually preparing to be and stay married. I hope we can all agree to condemn the modern condition of easy divorce and pre-nups. But we can not, we must not condemn those individual who have been hurt by divorce. We must forgive those who need forgiveness, we must comfort those who have been hurt unwillingly, and we must always love one another. Peace be with you all."
I have always agreed that marriage is not disposable. Too many people walk into it thinking that, if they don't like it, they can just walk away. It's that easy to some. Not to me. I appreciate that marriage is a sacred covenant, but also appreciate the fact that in spite of someone's every effort, that covenant may be broken after much time, effort, and consideration.
I hope that someday I'll be able to give up taking everything about marriage and annulments in the Catholic church personally. Somehow, though, I don't think that will ever happen. Because I do feel as if I failed as a Catholic by getting divorced. But I don't feel as if I've failed MYSELF and who God wants me to be. That makes my point of view (and maybe me?) an oxymoron!
When I told my parents I was getting divorced, my mother told me that she thought I would never get divorced because I was so "religious." I told her then, and totally believe now, that I think God WANTS me to be happy. If being married to someone who is emotionally unavailable, non-supportive in a monetary or emotional way, and someone who is unwilling to share their life with you is something you can live with, then more power to you. Because God will always love both of us, no matter what, even if I am a divorced Catholic woman who thinks my religion judges me.
I pray:
Lord, please let those committing to marriage make that decision with clarity and commitment. Please help our society recognize that marriage is not DISPOSABLE. I pray that you can work in my heart to help me heal the hurt I feel every time I take what someone else says or writes personally, and give me the knowledge and foresight to let You be my judge, to let you help me heal, and to let me be at peace. I love you, Lord.
No comments:
Post a Comment