Let me introduce myself. I am a 56 year old Catholic woman who has been divorced for almost 3 years. I have found the combination of being Catholic and divorced has a lot of stigma attached to it. I'm tired of being quiet about how I feel, so I'm going to put it out into the universe.
I am a cradle Catholic (born into the faith). I regularly attend church and participate as a singer in the band as well as serve as a lector. I volunteer my time with the youth group and with a nonprofit that started at our church.
Enough about me. Let's get into what's making me crazy tonight.
I attended mass, as usual, and served as the cantor for the Psalm. For those of you who are not Catholic, the psalm is sung between the two readings during mass that occur before the gospel. It's one of my favorite Psalms to sing (I Will Praise You, Lord), and I managed to pull it off pretty well, if I must say so myself. Singing the Psalm is nerve wracking every time, so any time I do it well, I'm pleased.
Now, you have to know that I have a lot of friends at my church and most of them are married. That's not a shock, of course. I AM Catholic, after all. But so many of them seem to forget that I ever was married, whether they knew my ex-husband or not.
I was married 30+ years when my civil divorce was granted. Yep. 30 years. That's more than half my life. Yet, tonight at church, someone talked to me about their marriage of 29 years as if I had no clue whatsoever what it meant to be married for that long or how difficult it can be. Really?
A lot of my frustration comes from the Catholic stand on divorce. There are all kinds of explanations about divorce and how it works in my church, but the bottom line is, once you're married as a Catholic, you are married forever unless you are granted an annulment. The annulment process does not nullify the civil marriage, so my daughter will never be considered a bastard or anything, but it is expensive and not easy to get. A lot of people ask me why I even want/need an annulment. I love my God. I love my church. I am doing what is necessary to make my marriage null and void in the Catholic church in order to go on and have another relationship (should I be lucky enough to find one) that will not be condemned by the fact that the Catholic church still considers me married without the annulment. I also want to continue to receive the sacraments in my church (including communion) that would not be allowed without a divorce. And I work with the youth group. I don't want the church to consider me to be an adulteress if I date someone else without first getting my marriage annulled, and not allow me the opportunity to work with the teens. And, if I am blessed enough to want to marry again, I want to be married in my faith. Without the annulment, that would not be possible. So, there you go. A lot of reasons why I am willing to respect this part of my Catholicism even if it makes me crazy!
Okay, so right now you're probably asking yourself why I don't just leave the Catholic faith if I am that upset. Well, I was born a Catholic and love my faith in spite of this one aspect of its doctrine. I feel completely judged by my faith - but not by my church family. And they are my family. I don't want to give up any of that. So, I am doing my best to get through the annulment process (still waiting to hear from the Tribunal - going on 8 months now) so I can move on from there.
Tonight's incident, however, still sticks in my craw. After mass, a friend was talking about being married for 29 years and how that's not always easy - "You just don't know." That, in and of itself wasn't a problem. And perhaps I totally read into what and how it was said. That's ALWAYS possible! However, it felt as if she was being somewhat patronizing about the fact that she had been married for so long and I am a divorced person who might not get it. I told her that I got it - I was married for over 30 years when I got divorced. That seemed to give her pause, but I still felt as if she was being holier than thou. Of course, I know that my perception is just that. Perception. I could have totally misread the intention and tone of what she said in frustration with how I feel judged by my faith.
I know that I always thought I got it when my friends talked about being divorced. Of course, most of them were not Catholic. However, I realize now that I never really got it. You can't unless you're going through it. I could empathize, but not truly sympathize. So, I forgive this woman for what she said, and recognize that this is my issue, not hers. It doesn't make it any easier to feel judged, though.
Okay - I have lots more to say, but I will leave that to later entries. In the meantime, I pray:
Lord, please forgive me for being judgmental of others who may not understand what I have and am going through as a divorced Catholic woman. Please grant me the strength I need to get through the annulment process with grace and the ability to let the perceptions of others be unimportant to me. Please hold me steadfast in your arms every time I falter and think I can't take another step because I am lonely and alone and feel judged by my religion and my friends. Please help me remember that I am loved by my family and true friends because I am a good person, regardless of my marital status. I love you, Lord. Thank you for all my blessings, great and small, the greatest of which is my relationship with You. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment