The first thing I noticed about the church here was the age of the people. They were almost all older than me (not something I typically say since I attend the Life TEEN mass at my church!), many of them sitting in couples or with family. As usual, I attend mass by myself as my grown daughter lives 30+ miles away from me. However, when I go to my home church, I am usually singing in the Life Teen band, so I am not alone. If I am not singing, I can always find a friend with whom to sit.
The layout of this church is lovely and difficult to describe. Had it been a full mass, there would have been parishioners on both the front and the back of the altar. I will try to take a photo when I go this morning. I definitely felt the presence of the Lord, and appreciated the mass that is the same no matter where I go or what language is spoken. There's a comfort in the tradition and knowledge that Catholics everywhere are worshiping in the same manner. It really is a form of being at home with "family," even if I don't know anyone by name. I would still love to have a family member or friend with me, however, especially in a place with which I am not terribly familiar.
As I sat down on that dark Easter morning, I looked around at the beauty that surrounded me. I'm sure I wasn't the only visitor that morning, but I wondered whose "usual" spot I might be sitting in (if you attend church, I'll bet you sit in the same basic spot every week, right?) and if people were curious about who I am and why I was alone. I realize that not everyone wears a wedding ring, but if they looked at my hand, they would assume I was not married. Being in the land of snow birds, however, they might have thought that I am a widow as I am sure that is common here. Regardless, I felt alone and exposed albeit only in my own mind.
As the mass began, I fell into the rhythm of its routine, and forgot about feeling exposed until the sign of peace. As I said earlier, I am always with friends, so I get to hug the sign of peace. In this new place, I got to do the traditional handshake. While the sentiment is not any different, the method of delivery is less comforting, especially to someone who does not receive a hug every day from a loved one (unless you count the cuddles and kisses from my 6 lb chihuahua!).
I am headed back there in just a few minutes, and wonder how I will feel today. I still wonder what the members of the parish are thinking, and since it's summer, know that I will stand out more as there are fewer visitors in the area.
In the end, it doesn't matter what anyone else is thinking. I truly go to spend time with my Lord, and am thankful that the opportunity exists. I'll let you know how it goes when I get back.
Later . . .
I took a photo of the altar in this church. Today, they had a divider between the two halves of the circular church. However, the carvings above and around the altar are beautiful! I looked at them throughout mass, especially during the readings. In addition to being lovely to look at, they emanate Jesus' presence and the events that made His arrival a combination of extraordinary and humble.
I was a little annoyed at the beginning of mass because the ladies behind me were "whispering" to each other. Actually, a lot of people around me had difficulty whispering, probably because a lot of them had hearing issues. I just took a deep breath and was thankful that they were all at mass knowing that so many of them were not with their children, and I was blessed to be spending this week-end with my Dad, Mom, sissy and her kids.
When I turned around later to do the sign of peace, I was delighted to see two tiny Asian women behind me. They were as cute as they sounded during the mass as they prayed ahead or behind the rest of us in their accented voices. I went from annoyance before mass to a grin during mass while listening to them. I am sad to note that I am not always patient - anyone who knows me will tell you it's my worst fault!!
As I sat in church today, I really concentrated on the carving and not those around me. I noticed lots of little old couples in which the husbands stood during the blessing of the dads. It was so heartwarming to see all these men, some of whom could be my own dad, stand proudly to receive the blessing, and to hear the sincere clapping that followed. I know that they're probably not the always the best dads in the world, but the fact that they were attending mass today put them all right up there in my book.
My own dad is the one who promised to raise my siblings and me as Catholic. He faithfully took us to mass every week until I was old enough to drive. After that, it was my job to get everyone there. It made me sad then and still makes me sad now to think that he only went for us even if I am grateful for his efforts on our behalf. I wish his faith walk was a more apparent one, although I know he has a relationship with our Lord and Savior. But I will always recognize his commitment to MY faith walk and appreciate him for it.
I did not feel judged today. Maybe because I went with the intention to not allow my personal perception to cloud reality or maybe because it doesn't really matter or maybe because I wrote about it before mass and had gotten all my negative feelings out of the way. Regardless, I was happy to leave there feeling refreshed and renewed and thrilled to have begun my day with the Father to us all.
I still wonder what people think sometimes, but I'm working on not worrying about it and not caring because it really doesn't matter. Perception is personal. I have to accept that and just be who I am regardless of anyone else's perception.
I pray:
Thank you, Lord, for being our Father from beginning to end. Thank you for my wonderful Dad and all the dads, pseudo-dads, brothers, uncles, etc. out there who provide a person to show the way in this world. Thank you for allowing me to spend time with You today and to feel more at peace in Your house among people of my faith. Please continue to help me in my journey as a Catholic divorcee and to help me enjoy the ride. I love you, Lord.
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